I wonder if I should rename this "My Cactus Cadenza" now that I am living in the desert. But as new as this feels, I think it's a part of the same mini ending. You know how a cadenza works? It's an ending and a beginning. Sometimes it's at the end of a piece, sometimes at the end of a section. Sometimes it's long and glorious, and makes you forget the whole piece. Sometimes it's short, and you barely notice it's happening.
I think this is the long, improvised sort. I am two months into my doctorate and I see why nobody said it would be easy. My brain is full. It's full of a combination of medieval music, George of the Jungle, a thousand bills we are just barely making, hope that our cars and gas will survive, wondering if either of us will make it to the doctor when we need to. It's full of happiness, and wonder, and I love being in school. It's full of dread, as so much rides on whether I will get a REAL job after this, not just another adjunct position that pays me less than $10K a year.
I am here. And hubby is fighting his awful schedule, and I just wish he'd smile a bit more. I wish he'd express moments of joy. I am fighting to keep the family happy too. Maybe that's the part nobody mentioned. As I try to do all of this other stuff--three part time jobs, college exams, kid stuff....I feel happy an awful lot. But it's so hard to see it in him. So much complaining over money (who needs it?) and sleep (what's that?) and he's happy FOR me but not FOR him, even though his life is kind of awesome. So much love here. Cute puppies, a great house, kids who say "You're BACK!" when you come in the door. Every time.
Someone remind me that this is what you're supposed to do. If you feel things are stagnant, you make a hard change. You play the cadenza and see what the next melody is. Maybe we're due for a whole different piece. Maybe it's just a new, slower section. A ballad, perhaps, a love song. You know?
The holidays are coming. We like the holidays. But I also miss the spiritual life I used to make time for, and this year's holidays are probably going to be too material, too secular. Somebody stop the world, man.
I need a little rest. And so does hubby. Maybe this is a little prayer. . . could he have some sort of vacation? I don't know what kind. Just some sort. Obviously won't be paid days off of work. Why do people take that for granted?
Ok....I need to listen to a bunch of monks chant and figure out how to tell one from another. Wish me buckets of luck.
Never mind, wish me a gentle faith coming back. One that finds me. I am not ready for a kick in the butt, but a whisper of promise would be awesome.