Monday, August 24, 2015

Doctor Jitters

Tomorrow morning I start my journey to have "Dr." In front of my name....that singular gender equalizer, that thing that says I worked hard and I'm smart, or at least qualified to sit on the other side of a table at a college audition.  I have planned to do this for 8 years.  I tried in Iowa--what a pain that was....auditioning at 12 weeks pregnant after months of putting together an audition that frankly felt like a recital, and then being told there was no money for me.  Nothing.  No assistantship, scholarship....just a nice little "come here if you can" and me with bills and a bun in the oven.  It wasn't right.

So we waited, and we made another baby, and I taught sometimes 50 private students a week, and had a second job teaching at a college for about 12k a year.  And then of course the thing we knew would eventually happen (because of the field):  a new news director came in and hubby got canned.  We moved across the country.  I applied for ASU and they didn't even accept me for a live audition.   Out of work and another $200 down.  I was discouraged.  Depressed.  I went on Lexapro just to stop the daily tears and anxiety.  Rough times.

The clouds parted, and really on a whim I applied for U of A.  Sleepy Tucson, a million people in the desert, and me getting a DMA.  The audition went well, I believe, as they gave me a full scholarship. Tomorrow I start my (mostly) tuition-free doctoratal journey.  I am grateful.  And I feel like puking.  Because honestly, 3 years of hard ass school, 4 recitals, 2 kids, a teaching job to pay bills that's 2 hours away....how?  Seriously, how?

Sometimes you know when something's right though.  All weekend I've been in a panic because I stupidly forgot to "push the last button" and realize that there's an immunization hold on my account. So I have to drag the 2 year old around town tomorrow while I try to prove to U of A that I won't contract or spread the Measles.  This is the true life test....can you get through the red tape?  I found my scared, anxious mind imagining that my whole education would collapse, my dream would stop, because surely this one issue would do me in.

What has two thumbs and is always waiting for disaster to occur?  This girl.

I thought I'd write to remind myself that God has brought me this far.  It seems right...not exactly from my gut, but in that way that I couldn't possibly have orchestrated this massive symphony of errors and come up with tonight....laying next to my toddler in our tucson home and blogging away that tomorrow was both well earned and earnestly prayed for.

What is that quote?  The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.  Better keep my eyes down for a sec.