Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Then It All Changed in a Moment

I haven't written in weeks.  I have been falling to sleep, helpless, crazy, sick of my kids, and not blogging when I wanted to blog.

In December, the very last "hoorah" of 2014, I got rejected from ASU, and cried a little and felt like the world was over.  And then I told hubby to start applying for jobs in Tucson, 2 hours from Phoenix.  I figured I'd try for the university, and who knows....maybe he could get a job that fit him.

2 days later hubby had an interview in Tucson.  4 days later he had a job.  So 2015 starts with an end.  An end to our year of unemployment.  We are 24 hours from hubby's first paycheck (well maybe 36) and it will go quickly --piling bills, etc.  We are seeing the end results of a year of unemployment.  A profound drop in our credit score, a bunch of anxiety we don't know what to do with.  I rack my brain trying to figure out what bad choices I made, when most of them were not exactly "choices."  We made the best of what we could, what we had.  Now the clean up.

There is more good news--of course more good news--I am teaching classes!  I am now teaching a class called "Voice and Diction" which is not singing but speaking.  I LOVE it!  I walk on air.  And today I heard one student say to another "this class just flies by" and I welled up with happiness.  Yes it does! Well, honestly I find it very hard to structure a 1 hour, 15 min class when I have never done that, but it does fly by in some ways.   THEN, I was asked to do a musical theater workshop.  Did you hear that?  A musical theater workshop!!  And I have more voice students than last term.  None of this pays terribly well, but it makes me so happy.  And part of me thinks, why did I do this thing with the marriage and the kids?  Wouldn't I be so happy just making a tiny bit of money and living in a little apartment and teaching this stuff I love and feeling happy, satisfied?

I suppose this feeling will pass.  It's not like I don't love them.  Last week at the zoo my son disappeared.  For 5 minutes he slipped behind the jungle gym and disappeared, and hubby and I tore the area apart and I started having what felt like an anxiety attack and in my head I thought, "what will I do without my little joy?" and I know how very very much I love these guys.

So I want to dance and sing.  My heart is lighter, and lots of this is happiness.  But I am also scared.  I am also anxious.  We are living apart, and single mothering BLOWS.  I have the kids by myself four days a week, with help from friends, from mom, and still I am trying to figure out how this is going to last four months!  (until the term of my teaching and baby S's school ends).  I don't know how to commute up, but I also don't know how to do this away from hubby.  I don't like him in another place.  I don't need him.  I don't get all that wonderful "benefit" you get from marriage.  I just get the work.  Yawn.

I wish I could paint a picture of transition.  It's a jumble of colors tumbling around in a big bowl and you have no idea which colors will emerge.  It's a massive stressful headache to watch.  You stare into the bowl, you hope for the best.

U of A contacted me and said they might have a scholarship for me.  It just gets more and more hopeful.  We only have one more desperate day.  One more day without a paycheck in the bank after ALL THIS TIME.  I should just be smelling the roses.

Damn this thing where you always have to be planting.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Love in the Time of Defeat

2013 was a tough year.  It was a year of challenges, but also victories.  We had a healthy baby, but it wasn't easy.  I lost an audition, hubby lost a job, and we welcomed in 2014 with hope and uncertainty.

But hope.

This year is much harder.  I can't help but feel whiny.  There are people living under sticks and sheets of metal, praying it won't rain, hungry.   They are everywhere.  There are people who lost loved ones this year.  Suddenly, brutally....it was a hard year for people in a way I have never known.

But this year, we just lost so much hope.  Tomorrow hubby has a job interview in a new city.  And  every job interview makes me feel so DESPERATE.  So scared. I hate this feeling.  And now, not knowing where I might get a DMA is so tough.  Where the hell are we going and when and how?  I hate feeling blind, at 40, with two kids.

The hardest thing is how much I've lost connection to my God.  I keep trying to figure out how that happened.  When it happened.  8 years ago, I was aware of God, working through my worst moments, weeping in my pain, and His promise of victory.  I was sure of so many things.  And now, I  am overwhelmed by the questioning in my head.  I don't believe there are better things coming.  If I can't find it in the Bible, I'm not even close to setting my finger on it.  I don't believe all those nice things people tell me, that God's with me in my battle, that the best is yet to come.   Maybe after death....maybe that's what they mean?  Because the best....that could've been my one time on stage at Santa Fe.  That could've been the first time I held Baby S.  It could easily be over.

And that's why I miss hope so much!

I recently told a story to Hubby that I rarely tell.  Years ago, I was having many dreams involving certain numbers.  Repeatedly, those numbers would appear.  And then one day, I considered making a life-changing decision.  I had been praying about it, but I needed to hear some answer.  And there was no answer.  And then one night, I was driving down the road and an overwhelming feeling of --I can't describe it--other-worldness?  hit me..  I started sobbing.  I didn't know why, but I was overcome with emotion.  The voice of God tingled all around me and He said, "pull over."  and I did.  It was a dark night on a California highway.  And I said out loud, "what do you want me to do?" and he said He wanted me to read the scripture He'd given me.  I had no idea what He was talking about.  I said again, out loud in the dark of my car, "I don't have my Bible."  He said, "You do.  In your trunk."  and I got out, opened my trunk, and among all my crap was a Bible missing the cover.  I thought, "where am I going to look?"  And He said "you know."  And the numbers from my dream, clear, came through.  I knew where to look.  I did, and I got my answer in one sentence in scripture.  And then the feeling left.  My tears dried up.  And I felt at peace.  And I drove home.

I know having that kind of experience is once-in-a-lifetime.  But right now, I'd give anything to hear something that solid.  I just want to hear His voice so badly.

God, please teach me how to pray again.  Help my unbelief.  No more false hope that the world will live up to something.  I just want to be His again.