There's a line in Les Mizo which says "to love another person is to see the face of God" or something like that. There is some truth in it...after all, there is nothing in life so satisfying as love, so filling. But I haven't seen God's face in a while, and I have been surrounded by love.
I realize I am depressed. It's not the I can't get out of bed type, it's just a general weakness, an illness, a malaise of hopelessness. Today I have a couple cute babies, a loving husband, a part time job or two....we have food, we have family. We are blessed people. But the face of God is justice and mercy, and I haven't seen any of that in a while.
When you're in this state, you hear the pain of the journalist' smother, begging her son not be beheaded much more clearly. You hear the sound of people struggling to pay bills. The weight of the world is actually comforting. And I don't mean "I feel better because some people have it worse". That never works, please believe me, don't say it to someone. No one is ever glad they don't have cancer. They are just devastated when they do. Unless I suppose you're in remission or something, then I would guess you wake up most days grateful.
I wonder if that's how we should think of our jobs. Remission from unemployment.
I miss the face of God. I miss the feeling of justice. I've had it, it's not imaginary. I miss mercy,especially though. Divine mercy, human mercy. To have people look at you and say ",only is more important to me than kindness" is like looking into the face of evil. I dreamed of Satan last night. Isn't that strange? He's just like the landowner next door who says "what's in it for me?" In my dreams. We were drawing circles around ourselves to keep mercy in....because I once heard someone say Satan can't get in unless he has an angle.
I guess the circle is like the face of God then? But I don't want that necessarily. I want the God who whispered in my ear during my parents divorce. I want the God who has shown His face to me before....with true justice and mercy.
I really want to see your face again, God. I promise to look for it.