Saturday, August 23, 2014

I can't take care of you

Yesterday was hard and awful.

I've decided not to share details.  It was a day of confessing feelings, seeing weaknesses, dredging  pain up and showing up, strong and brave.  I have probably already judged you for not doing what I just did.

I may or may not have saved the incredibly challenging sale of the house.  I yelled at people, I kept my cool with others.  I wrenched my insides out, forgot to breathe, tried not to take things the wrong way, and popped a Xanax.

In life, you take care of me and I take care of you.  And that's how to be a good friend, a good mom, a  good wife, a good daughter.   But I don't have this today.  I am holding myself together with a paper clip and a chunk of old gum and sheer will and it's been too long to end on a note like yesterday's.  I showed up, got punched in the gut, and I have no idea how to be the person you need.

No idea.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Do I Have to Change My Blog Title?

I was just looking at pictures of my family in Iowa, after a weird night of dreams where I was putting on a television show in a huge warehouse, with a live studio audience of mostly college students, and our former neighbor was walking through it in his boxer shorts picking out stuff he wanted and pretending it was his.  I couldn't sleep

Maybe I couldn't sleep because children flocked me so tightly on either side that my arms and neck became wrenched in a painful position.  We did not start the night with kids in the bed.

The house here in Arizona is closer to live -able.  It has been tough.  I was not prepared with how much my father was storing in here.  We went from 1450 square feet with a big basement and garage to 1550 square feet with no basement, no garage, and two rooms filled with boxes, crafts and old furniture.  But we have been selling things, with Dad's permission, and have made a little money.  I joked with hubby that it fees like we have a machine that turns scrapbooking supplies into food and gas.  We have far more than $37 now, though bills remain unpaid until a job or a house sale go through.

I didn't panic yesterday when hubby received the $3000 estimate on the garage at the old house.  Everyone is telling us to somehow "scrap it". .....foreclose, see if a realtor will buy the house, etc....but we have a set of buyers who really want our house.  We are currently making $10k on it, and if it has to be $7k, or $5k, it's still a better call than what everyone is saying.  I'm in a good place this morning, besides the pain in my neck.  I don't feel alone.  I don't feel this will go on forever.  Hubby has TWO TV interviews set up for next week.  We don't count any chickens now before they offer us a contract, but we know that soon we will have chicken.  Damnit.  We will.

August, I don't know what to say to you.  You're the longest month I've ever lived through.  One day I was in Iowa, loading up a house.  Then I was in state after state, driving a car of crazy kids (the baby kept touching the toddlers face with his foot to entertain himself in the car, and thus was born my first experience of "he's touching me again!" In the backseat.  Then I was in the hot desert, in a house indescribably different with oppressive heat.  Then I was penniless and selling crafting stuff on the driveway.  Seeing my parents several times a week?

And it's only the 17th!  We are only 2 days late on our Iowa mortgage!  My girl is still 4.

I don't know how long I'll be here.  I don't know if hubby will like it.  He misses his roots, and he's hot.  My baby girl tells me someday she's going to live in. Michigan and go to Arizona when it gets too cold.  She's got a plan at least.  And if I look at my future, seriously, my head explodes.  Even August 18th freaks me out.

So no title change yet.