Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Apparently you can go home again

I write blogs all the time and I don't post or finish them.  I am sorry for anyone reading this, because weeks pass with nothing posted when I really am writing...just not publishing.    Maybe I should just hit "publish" every time before leaving, even if it doesn't feel well-composed.  Who am I kidding?  I am way too into "completion" for that.  I like a good project with a good finish:)

This morning, well, my sister said it first.  Last night my sister said she missed me.  She said I left Arizona at 17 and I haven't been back.  She's right.  And not only that, I have never looked back.  Why is that?  The heat?  I mean, I've said to hubby..."well, not the Southwest"  as he looked for jobs.  I am not a crazy fan of the lack of grass, the fake lakes or the politics....but I am not opposed to a little family, right?  I miss them. Good Lord, I haven't ever let myself say that, huh?


You know, I am a special breed.  I am one of those crazy kids who leaves for the big city with two dollars in my pocket and the determination to get myself noticed!  I am ambitious.  I was naive, hopeful.  And as time went on, and I missed the weddings, the childhoods, the hospital trips....I had to be successful.  Either that, or what kind of person was I?  Trading all that family for nothing?

So here is the weird part.  I think about going home to the desert...where I never felt I belonged...and I've got kids and a husband so I'm practically my own personified fears of being totally boring.  But I am not feeling anything but relief.  I just want to fall into the arms of my family and do what everyone else does.  I want to feel like I'm nobody's imposition.  I want date nights again without paying $75.

I guess you can go home.  This morning when I told a room full of women what I was thinking of doing, I punctuated with...."it's been 23 years since I lived near family."  And those Iowans gasped, they did.  And then one said, "maybe this is what God's telling you".  And now that's all I can think k about and I feel oddly.


Happy about it.

Then of course I told a student tonight and she cried..

You can't make everybody happy cannot.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Faith

Lately it seems like only my die-hards are reading the blog, which is fine.  Not sure that many want to enjoy the plight of voice teacher mama and her out of work husband.

I have expressed before how incredibly difficult Iowa has been on my faith.  We watched a church go through a big scandal with pretty scrappy attempts at any real healing (they sent us a letter this week asking for money and prayer for a new building, eye roll).

I have experienced a few times the generosity of believers, but only from a far.  Mostly what we experience here is a frighteningly blatant desire for separation from "strangers"...and if you didn't grow up here, you are one.

Last night it was so apparent when we got the awful news that the person who was representing hubby to find news jobs decided to drop him after (what seemed quite obviously) talking to the former boss....the viper who seems to have it out for all of us.  We were on the phone with those who loved us for a bit--and not a single one of them was an Iowan.  We had, after 5 years, nowhere to go and sit down and mourn.  No friendship, no intimacy....we have never, in five years, been invited to a meal as a couple by anyone except pastors.  We got help when Baby S was born...butLittle N, well we weren't church members anywhere so why would friendship or help occur to anyone?  And when we have asked for help here, we have not received it.  Even the state laws seem against us
  When I add that to the number of people yelling at me to get off their lawn because it's private property, or the lack of kindness I see in stores or parking lots....Iowa....I'm just done with you.  I don't know when I will go, but I don't think it even matters.  I tried.  I did the reaching out, the inviting, the service.  And now I am done.

There is a fear to show your own weakness in faith to those who don't believe.  After all, you want them to grow...you want them to love Jesus too.  You want to spread the word.  But I guess in this day and age of everyone showing sparkling white toothy pictures of their happy families and careers on Facebook, accompanied by memes of beach looking pictures with advice on who God is and how easy it is to follow Him, let me say this:

I am an awful cynic.  I am scared, weary, angry and full of sorrow.  I know others suffer worse but I just want to pout about my own suffering.  Through all this, though, even though I have insomnia for the first time in 20 years and I can't bring myself to take a full breath, I can't wait for Jesus to come back

And pardon my French here, but it is still utterly satisfying to remember that Jesus, innocent, loving, ready to give His life up for anyone and everyone, spent his whole life being accused falsely by a bunch of dickheads.