Tuesday, February 18, 2014

sure,yeah,whatever

It has occurred to me, unfortunately, today, that sugar may be holding me together.

I did have a lollipop today...one of those dum sums.  It was strawberry lemonade.  But other than that, I'm off the white sand.  The sweet stuff.  The corn syrup highway.  I want to lose 15 pounds by summer, rounding my weight loss to a total of 100 pounds from the moment I gave birth, and 50 or so since joining Farrells, and a few pounds less than my lowest in NYC.

But I feel angry.  Without sugar, watching my husband go through this unemployment makes me miserable.  I feel hopeless, and my feelings make it overwhelmingly impossible.

Though I hate to admit it, sugar makes me a nice cuddly mommy type with the patience to love my husband.  Sugar is my worst enemy, and my favorite soft place to land.  I miss you lady.  Honey, sweets, .  I am trying not to give into your siren VOICE--calling me from gas station to chocolate shop to my hubbys private stash.

I don't know how to make it through any of this.  There isn't a shoulder big enough to cry on without betraying my marriage or feeling generally unfaithful or expressing a ridiculous fear.  Why am I here God?  Help a sister out.

Either that or just...make ice cream calorie-free will ya?

While I wrote this, my daughter, up way too late, lay next to me begging me to tell her how much I love her.  Then suddenly without warning she passed out and I never said it.  I know she must feel this pain too, and I wish I could be better to her than this.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Good vs. Bad

I remember last time there was a horrific school shooting, there was quite a bit of posting on facebook about "the good".  In an effort to stop the sinking feeling in our hearts that all of mankind was made of evil monsters, or maybe the feeling of fear that our children would never be safe, people posted lovely tales of making children feel special, or people sacrificing for each other, or just kindness in general.  It didn't really cut it for me.  In fact, this always seems like evidence of God for me....somewhere my logical brain says if something is AS BAD as a person killing a room full of children for sport, then there must be something THAT GOOD.  And doing some nice thing for someone, that's just not good enough.

 So, that's kind of a negative way to start a post about my birthday, but there ya go.  The last few months have been all about this horrible unemployment, these awful unjust trials, and pure exhaustion.  But with all that awful stuff, there has been an unbelievable outpouring of love and support for me and my family, and finally, I'm just going to say, for me, my heart has started to fill with peace.  It is enough, to know you are loved, to feel supported, to experience generosity.

Today I turned 40.  WOAH.  This morning, I got up at 6, in the -11 degree weather, and went to my kickboxing class.  When I got there, half the class was dressed in black (for my 40th) with party hats on.  They had one for me too!  They cheered me on while I did 40 pushups on my toes, and all that would have been enough.  And then they gave me a card.  I waited to open it until I was in my car, and inside were lots of notes of support, talking about our rough times being over soon, and $140 in cash.  I cried.  And I can't think of a better way to start my birthday.  Almost nothing I could think of would have brought me down after that.

My daughter has wrapped almost everything in the house and presented it to me as a gift.  Old pictures she's drawn, shoes she likes, necklaces she's made.  It's all a birthday present.  She's also asked relentlessly about the cupcakes that my husband bought.  Poor thing--my birthday's over and we still haven't opened them!  I had scheduled a massage with money from items I sold on ebay, and it was cancelled--masseuse had a sick child, but it was still a lovely day.  My dining room is filled with balloons (I'm not sure how many times I need to tell hubby I don't like balloons) and I just ate a whole pound of steamed snow crab and two glasses of vodka with cranberry juice.

It's about as good as it gets today.  I'm not even dwelling on the fact that a student's mother told me I looked "run down" yesterday.  All I know is a week ago I was plagued with fantasies about throwing a cup of coffee into the face of my husband's old supervisor, and now I can't stop being touched at all of the people who have reached out to me to be encouraging and help financially.

40 is the birthday where I realized that sometimes the good on earth can outweigh the bad.  Not bad at all.