34 days since my last post. Wow. So, when they say babies take over your life, they're right.
I have a 5 week old son and a daughter turning 4 in August. She seems like she might as well be 14 at this point--she can do everything! Yesterday she made pudding in the kitchen while I called out instructions as I breastfed the baby. She did a decent job. It was lumpy, but she is 3, after all. She is the poster-child for ultra verbal children, and uses words that I find impressive in adults. She is easy to understand, crystal clear, and writes songs all day long. A lot of that sounds like me as a child, except that she is very social, and I wanted to crawl in the closest corner for me-time most of my childhood.
The 5 week old doesn't have too much personality yet. He mostly likes to sleep and eat. He poops a lot. He is holding his head up when he wants to and he really doesn't like having his diaper changed. He loves being cuddled and warm. That's about it so far.
I want to say this week I've read a few things about parenting. I have no idea why, as a rule I do NOT read discussions, articles or advice on parenting. I think they're kind of crap. I find that they're either the Christian ones, written by 50 year old white guys who have no similarity to me in terms of background, or they're written by "sassy" young women who have a totally different idea of who their children should be. I guess I like funny stuff about parenting, and that's the end of it.
In my opinion, parenting is an organic experience. Every child is different, and no parent knows what they're doing. My chief (and possibly only) goal is to pray for my child, be driven by that, to make choices that give her/him more opportunities to have structure and be even-tempered, and to make sure they know that I love them endlessly. All of that changes every day. THe goals are there, but the way I reach them may change 100 times. And I don't think that's wrong. I want them to show me a person I couldn't have imagined, not some "ideal person" I've created. I'll confess, I worry a lot about food, because the great heartbreak of my life has been my battle with weight and food and self-image. But I also know the best way (of course the hardest too) to help them is to work on myself and make sure they see that it's possible to eat well and love yourself without being obsessed with either. God help me there.
The other thing I need to somehow do organically is start singing again. I cannot get freaked out about these notes not coming because I know it will only make me more freaked out. I still can't believe how I didn't think twice about having easy B flats two years ago, when now I am struggling to hit an A that sounds different from screaming. There must be some answers, but I know the easy one is to practice. THis week I have had 4 days of practicing, and the last day was far better than the first, making me think, "hey, maybe this practicing thing DOES work". Easy does it. One day at a time, all of that stuff.
You know that Indigo Girls lyric that says "the less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine?" I have spent a lot of years wondering what that meant. Is it an anti-Judeo-Christian sentiment? Is it just basically a way of saying "relax?" Maybe it's like "there's more than one way to skin a cat?"
I haven't decided....but I think for me, I am closer to happy when I seek God for what I need but accept that it can change, that I can change, that the way to arrive at good parenting or good singing or any of that stuff is to make sure I let it move me as much as I move it.
Ok, I am going with that.