Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Pure Exhaustion

I guess I should get at least one blog in January.  Is it the 22nd already, and how is that possible?

I am feeling a baby kick (a baby boy!) every day now.  Sometimes more than others, but every day certainly.  He weighs over a pound and I am 22 weeks.  Although I am suspicious that I am really 23 weeks along, based on the ultrasounds.

Our life involves so many medical bills.  If only it were possible to pay one source, that would be so nice.  One lab for 27.50, one doctor for 40, blah blah blah, it's a week's worth of work that ends up costing me!  I had a frustrating argument with hubby about car shopping....he shouldn't be doing it.  Technically, while it seemed like our cars were such good purchases at the time, we owe far too much on them, and soon will have two cars with over 100k on each of them, and will not be able to pay them off any time soon.  It can sometimes be a tough life with those worries.

I am working extra hours (teaching extra students) to "get ahead" before May, when I will not be able to work.  I am also probably FAR too optimistic about teaching students a few weeks after the baby is born.  I keep figuring 20 students a week will feel like nothing!  But that definitely sounds too optimistic when I say that too.

And so I am exhausted.  I don't want to do anything but teach as I have to, come home and sleep, and sleep and sleep.  I am only taking one day off of teaching a week.  It's not really enough....but i have a spring break soon, and then a baby....and I kind of just want to cry, but that's the hormones right?

Today was the 40th anniversary of Roe v. Wade.  I listened to talk radio all the way home from work, alternating between NPR and Moody Bible.  They were both talking about it, but....not the same way!  I feel like such a weirdo saying this is not an issue I feel passionate about.  Hell, I'm that person who feels passionate about EVERYTHING.  All I know is that I have heard people get diagnoses about babies with completely undeveloped brains who will basically be vegetables--I have understood a decision to abort those pregnancies, and cried for them, as they cried.  I have also heard people abort children because of Down's sydrome, with seemingly no regret.  I believe Down's usually results in wonderful people, who will probably bring joy to others, won't ever shoot a room full of children, start a crazy cult or rape anybody, and I cry for the fact that we never got to meet that beautiful possibility.

So I don't know.  I hate that it has to be discussed in a legal forum.  It's not where I believe it belongs.

And I am really way too tired to think about it.

I have another 8 students tomorrow, 13 after that, 12 the day after that.....I am just counting down each week.  God help me.

I feel like I should end this on a weirdly positive note.  Last week, we went to see a day care that was horrifying.  It was dirty, the woman was scary, and there were several children there.  As we left, I was flooded with this feeling of gratitiude (weird, I know) that we had choices.  That we were not poor, because we could choose not to send our child there.  We could find a place that would bless her, educate her, give her some really lovely days.  And I suddenly felt like not worrying about money.  I have to remember how lucky we are.  We have what we need.