Saturday, June 23, 2012

Don't Know What You've Got 'Til Its Gone

I have had blog words swirling in my head lately, but I haven't wanted to bring myself to type.

Seems I can't possibly avoid it as I listen to Baby S snoring on the couch, and hubby is still gone. I don't even know what I'm watching on tv, as I eat a bowl of cereal to make myself feel better. After all...I can, since there's no baby coming.

I don't want to type the details of finding out there was no heartbeat. I don't want to relive seeing the figure of a child I had just decided I was excited about having, curled up on an ultrasound, essentially gone. I figure everyone has a similar foggy experience walking through their OB's office, as they are "given time" to stand there with the hubby, staring at each other, and then the floor. And in our case, watching the 3 year old bounce off the walls.

I don't want to see anyone. Not really. My students seem like irresponsible, annoying teenagers. I mean--they probably are, all the time, but right this moment, it's unbearable. I have tried everything to hold back and write nice things to mothers, as they defend their children's irresponsibility. That's a norm in teaching. But today, it's anything but.

It was 9 days ago. And part of me thinks, "ok, you've had 9 days. You vacationed. You cried a lot. You're fine." But it's not true. I'm still mad. I'm mad at all that hard work I was doing while I didn't know the baby was already dead. I'm mad at the guy who told me I couldn't walk my tired toddler through his apartment complex to get home faster, because I felt myself bleeding again.

I'm mad at the dogs. I'm either mad...or crying. Or teaching voice. I have taught 23 lessons in 2 days.

I have had such a strange year. I had that terrible audition, which launched me into sadness, and then a pregnancy, which launched me into hormonal and insulin insanity, and then a miscarriage, which launched me into this. I don't know what this is. But it totally blows.

All I want to do is have my husband comfort me. I want a few weekends of romantic alone time, which I would probably use to cry. SO I can't imagine that being fun for him. He is dealing with this by being more productive than I've ever seen him. I can't believe how much he's got done. He's gardening every day, he is building someone a new house on Monday, he's agreed to diet. He's the opposite of lazy, and all I want to do is lie on the couch and cry and read about miscarriages online.

But I don't feel any sense of "why won't he?" at all. I am just glad he's here. Just glad someone loves me when I feel bizarrely empty.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Annual Student Recital

ooooh Lordy.

It is no surprise that it's been a full week since I last posted something here. This week seemed kind of "normal" when I thought--"ok, reduced teaching schedule, end of school, this won't be bad...." but actually launching into it, with the stress of watching all of my students perform, preparing them, and of course the running, the cookie baking, napkin gathering, program printing, piano prepping, and general running....I am exhausted. If you add the pregnant, with toddler and high heels, I am a wreck today.

It is a very gratifying experience to work with students and see them grow from year to year. I have had to see them recently have their hearts broken with unsatisfying auditions....this is "drama time" for high schools as they pick next year's choirs. As a teacher, it's hard not to take it personally. WHY can't I make them succeed? Why can't I grow them enough that they can clobber the competition? But the truth is, there is always more to it than that.

Last year, I had more frustration in the development of some of my students. This year, I was floored to see new performers in them. Some seemed almost unrecognizable in how much they'd grown. And I flew around the recital like a proud parent. I ended up having to sing in the recital this year. I had scheduled 3 students to do a trio from Cosi Fan Tutte, and one of them (thankfully the mezzo) had to cancel. So I sang the trio--and that was a fair amount of nerves and wanting to throw up. You think singing for your peers is hard? Try singing in front of all the people who pay you to teach their children! The pressure to be perfect was pretty awful. I had found myself getting vocally "tight" in one measure (not a good thing) when I practiced it the day before....I never quite fixed that, but I guess we sang it fast enough to not notice!

So now the summer begins, and a whole new batch of students arrive. In fact, this year, strangely, my "summer cast" of students is completely different from my "spring cast", with only a few exceptions. The fun part is that you see more growth in the first 10 lessons (I think doing anything, honestly) than you ever do....so it's fun to see that beginning part.

This year my recital had a lot more guys in it....almost one for every 3 girls, which is pretty impressive in a vocal studio. It gave a new energy to the recital which I hope continues! Guys have a certain...irreverance? which is fun in a situtation as tense as a recital. There were a few more hoots and hollers, and general casualness. I enjoyed that a lot.

I definitely do better in life if I stop trying to define myself. Someone called me a "born teacher" this week, and I found myself trying to figure it out....am I a born teacher? am I a born performer? a born mother? I suppose the best thing is to just allow myself to enjoy all of these things....and go on with it.

11 weeks pregnant...almost 12! I can't believe it. And my weight hasn't gone up since week 8. whew. Trying hard for that.