Saturday, May 26, 2012

Finally Admitting that Diet Soda Helps

Ahhh, what a day! I am noticing Saturday is my Day Most LIkely to Blog. Who knew? Today was nice. I worked out, I enjoyed time with hubby, earned a little moola, watched a WHOLE MOVIE (thank you GOD!) while I laid on my back and blurred my eyes on the couch, thanks to a long, luxurious nap from Baby S. I did not take advantage of the beautiful day, I did not get 10 things done, and I did not do any exciting projects with Baby S besides coloring and playing a little "Memory". Amazingly, it was still a darn good day.

I don't remember being this sick last time. I am nauseous and exhausted so much. I am waiting for people to ask me how I feel so I can load them with complaints!! I realize this is wrong, but at least I admit it. I would like to make a list of my current pregnancy symptoms.

1. Nausea. THis occurs at the following times: first thing in the morning, after each time I eat, at night. It does not involve vomiting. I PRAY FOR VOMIT! Really, if you've ever been seasick you know vomitting is a relief. If only.

2. Headaches. I get headaches when I'm pregnant. It's the 2nd time, and I realize it's not blood sugars. It's pregnancy.

3. Fatigue. I'm sorry....what was I writing?

4. Peeing....lots and lots of peeing. I don't mind this one.

5. Tingling hands. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is coming. It is starting to manifest itself in that my hands tingle when I hold a cell phone to my ear or sleep with my wrists bent. Not bad yet. But not thrilled it's coming.

6. I'm hungry a lot. And afraid to eat because I'm not supposed to gain any weight. I am also gaining weight. I feel like this part of pregnancy is similar to being trapped in a burning house but told I need to make sure that the furniture does not catch fire.

7. I'm anxious and depressed. Usually at the same time. My husband has no idea who I will be when he gets home. I cry at everything. Tonight I cried during a Disney cartoon, and while watching someone talk about something that they loved. I also feel like crying when sports teams win.

8. Gas. This was way worse last time. Whew

9. All of my hair is growing faster. My eyebrows have a plot to take over the world. Watch yourself.

10.My boobs hurt. This also falls under "my bras don't fit"

um.....I think that's it. Looking forward to the few that fall off during the 2nd trimester. There is also the wild and amazing amount of insulin resistance I have, but I have lately had them under amazing control. And despite everything I've ever read, the thing I find that really does help with nausea, is diet soda.

If I have never written this in a blog, let it be known, my daughter is wonderful. I love her to pieces. Almost every day with her now is delightful....and I recommend if you're going to have children, start them around 3 years old.

Unfortunately, I have to get this next one as an infant. Oh well...it goes quickly :)

A student came in to my studio this week. She's going to be a senior next year, and she did not make show choir. Not even the "lower" shower choir. The school is incredibly competitive. Show choir here is no joke, as I've written before, but how painful it looked....how I know the feeling of being rejected, over and over and over and over again. I know rejection. And I believe the best thing to do is show them I've lived through it and not argue that it totally sucks. There's nothing else. The hope has to come later....the joy has to be found despite it. THe way you feel about yourself has to get a teflon coating against it.

Seems like God put me in this spot. I have been well prepared to hold an ambitious person in my stare and tell them that I know every rejection, and yet I know that in a few more days, weeks, month.....soon.....I'll actually choose to do it again.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Saturdays with mommy

Just used my husband's time home on Saturday morning to get to the gym. It is so appreciated, although I miss him, and it's always hard to make that decision on the weekend. I also wish I could go on Sunday, but I choose church with him. I am trying to figure out another way to get there.

He managed to get garden planted this morning, and had a huge smile on his face when I got home. He loves his garden. And now I am stuck for the rest of the day with an incredible fatigue (I used all the energy i had this morning!) a toddler who wants to play, and a husband at work. Of course there are also no friends, and no family around. EEK. So Saturdays are a little tough lately.

All I want to do is nap, and that means Baby S watching a HECK of a lot of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (her new favorite show) in recorded episodes. She has memorized a lot of the dialogue. As I watch, she's mouthing the words as she prepares her baby for bath and night-night. This is specific and complex, and everything I do is wrong...so I don't offer too much help. I wonder if this is part of her personality--the "specific" requests. Or is it just an almost 3 year old's standard craziness? Her lunch today was a peanut butter sandwich, cut into the shape of 2 dinosaurs, on a mickey mouse plate. When I got one of those items wrong, she cried until it was correct. Sometimes I'm a little stronger, more intense. I tell her, "no, i'm not cutting this into a dinosaur" but mostly it's easier to give in.

I've learned the easiest way is to just prepare something nice for her and not ask. But I don't always give it to her in time :)

Hubby is helpful when he's home. Right now, with me pregnant, he's very helpful. I'm not taking care of him as much as I usually do--not cleaning up after him quite as much, and not packing lunches as often. But our issue is always the same. He has 2 days to be a father, then the other days he works 10 hours a day. It feels so hard, and it exahusts him so much. I have to try not to wonder what it will be like with two kiddos. It will just happen--as it does for everyone.

I am getting too tired to write, so that is my check-in. I practiced singing this week and honestly, it was great. Strangely, I feel my voice has shifted down about 3 notes. The upper range is much harder to access but I can sing lower notes than I've ever sung. One thing I know, that piece I botched at Chicago sounds like heaven now. Crazy. Everything was easy. I don't know what happened to me that week. But I'm starting to just accept it. Wish I could find some other way to sing.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

El Dia de la Mama

Ok, so I was a little "blue" on the 10th. Yikes. I couldn't even bring myself to keep reading. I do have down moments and I figure burdening cyberspace is a little nicer than forcing everyone in my life to take it.

I will fall in love with Baby X. No question. I know the truth is that all this love doesn't exactly hurt ya. Pretty much the opposite. I am so crazy about the baby that I do have. Wonderful, funny, loving child.

Tonight we had this exchange:
"mommy, can we cuddle?"
"Sure sweetheart." (Big hug)
"I want another big hug. Big."(another big hug)
"I do love you, my daughter."
"yeah. I love daddy."
"Good to know."

I mean, you can't beat that, right? I think I need to stop thinking that life experiences cancel each other out. They could be related, or go side by side, or a totally different direction. Life just isn't as obvious as I'm trying to make it. I also think the hormones aren't helping.

Sooo...hubby did a great job at mother's day. Although Baby S kept calling it "my special day, mommy" and opened all of my presents before I got a chance to see them. I expected that a bit. And now I have a massage awaiting me tomorrow morning. Hallelujah! We went to a church service this morning where people talked about their blessings, about abundance. I think the most remarkable thing is how people cried, they were so moved to share, but they shared the most "blah" stories. It is all about perspective, about gratitude. And I whispered to hubby various things that we should be grateful for.

It is simply amazing to me that one day hubby and I printed up some fliers, hoping that I could pick up a handful of students. Weeks later, I had that handful, a few months later I had a full schedule, and a year later, an abundance. More than I could handle, pretty much! And these things could come in other ways.

Tonight she went to sleep easily. The dogs are not puking, and my fingers are only a little swollen. Ok, not exactly abundance but way better than that last post....sheesh.



Thursday, May 10, 2012

Nails, Coffins, Soup

I can't decide if the huge wave of negativity I'm feeling is exhaustion, pregnancy, or life. Right at this moment, however, I am wallowing in it. I am convinced that I don't want a second child, and I'm 7 weeks pregnant with one. I'm not feeling this as a blessing, but as a burden. And I feel so sad in the pit of my stomach.

Part of me knows how this baby was made....a sad realization that perhaps a career was never going to happen, and then maybe a decision to have a 2nd child, and hammer that nail right into the career coffin. Bang, bang, and it's finally just dead. I haven't practiced in so long. This is not owing to the baby as much as it is to the students, and the running all over town to manage the students and baby together. Instead of practicing in between lessons, I nap on the ground, burdened by my schedule and a kid who drains me. And then I think "kids" who drain me, and I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out again.

People see motherhood in different ways, and I don't think there's a right or wrong way to see it. But it is not an "end" to me. It is an ....."on the way, on the road to something, I became a mother". Only....right now it feels like all I am. It feels like I've made this terrible decision to live someone else's life.

I heard on the radio that the number of men taking care of families while the women are out working is steadily growing, and in the past few years is growing immensely. I didn't mind that statistic, I thought it was kind of neat in some ways. And then the DJ reading the statistic said, "get it together men, come on" as if the guys had failed by ending up in that role. No one says women fail by ending up in that role....but failure is failure, right? Whether you're a man or a woman. I fear so much that I have made a world of bad decisions.

Today hubby had to work another 11 hour day. It happens too much. He forgot to tell me that they needed him to work the 10pm news...for 5 days. That means doing evenings alone with the toddler, and teaching alone with the toddler, and not having any time to myself for 13-14 hours at a time. He forgot something that would massively effect me, and it made me spend a whole day miserably trying to balance a ball in every hand, wanting to cry the whole time. Tired, pregnant, nauseous, chasing crazy blood sugars. And at the end of that miserable day, at 11pm, when my toddler was still asking me for SOUP, I couldn't help but think that the last thing I've ever wanted was to lose myself in a life with two of these.

Did I never have a chance? Sometimes I think my entire singing career could be summed up by that horrid book title, "They're Not That Into You", as if I ignorantly flirted with a man who never thought I was cute. Someone who promised to call me and then told me he decided he liked someone else better.

When hubby came home at midnight, he gave me a brochure for tickets to see an opera two states away. And I burst into tears. Because nothing feels more like an "FU" than an offer to spend 200 dollars on tickets to a company that wouldn't even give you the chance to sing for them. How is it possible after all this time that he doesn't know my pain to see that?

I guess I need to read through some old blogs and try to feel a little less dismal. Life can change at the drop of a hat. But the changes right now seem to be rubbing "me" out, in a way that is painful....fading me slowly, until the things that once made me colorful, interesting, are completely gone. And all that remains is something I never thought I'd be. Nail. Coffin. Me.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Seasons

Hola. I can't believe it's the 5th of May, and that it took like 12 days of reflection between blog posts. I seem to be in a good mood. I mean, I'm sick, I'm tired, and lots of stuff hurts, so I'm not in a GREAT mood. I have had a killer cold for 2 days, and I'm still mothering and teaching (All time off in my current life is paid FOR, not paid). The worst thing about the cold is the awful effects it has on blood sugars. I amped up the insulin a little, without a dr. consult, and it seems to be contained, but I'm not sure when to step it down. The science is exact and not exact at the same time.

I was thinking today about acceptance. One of the things that, in my life, leads the most to acceptance is the idea of seasons. In this season, I'm a bit of a baby-maker. And this season is fun. As long as I don't desperately try to decide how it fits in with the rest of my life, it's a great season.

Sometimes I live in the past, and sometimes I live in the future. I have such a hard time steadying myself on today, like a complex teeter-totter or something....I feel like I really have to FOCUS. Today is today. And if I can't handle the one day, maybe take on two at the most!

When I think that way, I enjoy Baby S saying "actually" at the beginning of every sentence. I enjoy that she knows how to crack an egg on a bowl and get the egg into it without the shell! I enjoy that my students grow and that I am a great teacher. I enjoy the anticipation of the next child--and the array of possibilities that come with a new family member.

ooooh, oooh...I enjoy that out of all the students singing in the choir at the local high school, only MINE (3 of mine) were called in to listen to an opera aria by the teacher, with the suggestion that they would split it as a solo in a performance next year. Not the more established teachers here, but MY students :)

Iowa's not bad. It's not the place I once dreamed of, when I lay at night dreaming of where I'd end up. It's not the place I dream of when I close my eyes now. But it's the season God brought me to, and it's my job to find out the best way to honor that.