Monday, April 9, 2012
It was a rough night. Something small set me off, and again I felt like my life was in a place I feel--ashamed of? I can't put my finger on it. I slept upstairs, which hubby didn't like that much, but upstairs the bed is right near the window. I open it, even on a chilly night, and I sleep better, like camping.
This morning I was 3 pounds heavier. One week of being depressed and I am 3 pounds heavier. That is something I have yet to be able to change.
Hubby is only half way through his work week, which started 5 days ago, so I feel like a tired single mom.
Ugh, and so I don't think it's wise to be depressed this morning. I think there is only one thing to do with a morning like this.
A gratitude list. I'm going to go for .....9, since it's April 9th.
1. I am grateful for the church we went to yesterday. I realllly liked it, and it made me aware of real spiritual things for the first time in a year? Wow, no wonder I've been suffering. I miss you, Jesus, I really do. My heart is one big stone right now, and I felt like yesterday morning, the stone melted, just a bit. Just enough to not feel like any answers would come.
2. I am grateful that I am a gifted singer. If I never make a year's salary on it, if I never sing for an "A" budget opera house, if most of the career is marked by frustration, I am grateful for this voice, and this gift, and the joy that it has and will bring me.
3. I am grateful for a healthy daughter. I am grateful that she is strong and whole and brilliant, and knows most of her ABCs, and hugs and kisses me every day and is a perfect tie between my hubby and me. I am grateful for her even when I want to drop kick her across the living room. (I don't, but I kinda want to sometimes).
4. I am grateful for Spring. I love the way it looks and feels and smells outside, it is bright and hopeful. God promises me Spring will come again, and that in itself is reassuring. It's a hopeful cycle outside and I love it.
5. I am grateful that my husband loves me all the time. He does not do dishes enough, he leaves his socks in the living room, and he shuts me out when he plays video games. But his entire life involves loving me. I thought yesterday that marrying him was obviously a moment of God helping me make a decision. Because my decisions alone are never that good.
6. I am grateful for vegetables. I am grateful that there's always something I can eat that won't wreak havoc on my sugars or my cholesterol or my weight. Vegetables, God bless ya.
7. I am grateful for my students. I have 37 reasons why I am not a housewife. There are many people who feel blessed by being a housewife. I am not one of them. I need something else. Thank you, students, for keeping me busy and tired in a good way.
8. I am grateful for my mustard seed. I have ONLY that for most things. I have only the tiniest little fall-between-your-fingers faith that someday I could sing professionally, or lose my weight, or live somewhere I feel I belong again (well, I have more faith for that) or that God is real and cares about things like my blog. But all I need is that tiny, tiny bit of hope. I am grateful for it.
9. I feel like this last one needs to be good....but I am not sure what would be a great ending. I guess I'm grateful for summer plans. A recital to plan for my students, a trip to Phoenix in June, a trip to Michigan in July, and a birthday party in August. I am grateful for something to do that isn't wondering why I can't sing anywhere.
That feels better.