Monday, August 22, 2011

Seen & Heard

I have a splitting headache tonight. I am not sure if it's from this week of stress, of the churning of our whole little worlds in here, or this pill I'm taking, which seems to function as "gastric bypass in a pill", constricting my stomach and slowing food digestion to give me better blood sugars and help me lose weight. It is not a pill I probably need to be taking. My sugars have been in excellent control for almost a year now. But, as anyone has read on here, I feel hopeless about the weight loss. I don't even get it. And so if a little bit of nausea, burping, heartburn, stomach pain and diarrhea will help...sign me up. Right? I weighed myself this morning and I was down a little short of a pound. Which I don't understand, since basically I hate eating and have lunches consisting of broth and toast. I am eating--just not so much. THe intense workouts at the gym must be doing something too, no? So the thing is, in the last 6 weeks I have lost 4 pounds. And that is weight loss. It is. So I refuse to call this anything less than victory.

I found myself feeling sorry for myself today. I have found myself saying things about not being the "kind of person" who dreams for a career and gets it. I am not the "kind of person" who says they're going to lose the weight and drops a few pounds the first week. I am a slow, patient, tortured plodder most of the time. And this can be something I find peace in, right God? Is that a road to peace or just a "poor me?"

My husband has to find a new career. And this would all be totally fine if I wasn't FINALLY living a life where I get to sing, and make music. And I make some ok money--not enough for him to leave me or anything, but enough to really supplement our life here. And will that happen in the next place? Will it be too urban? Not urban enough? Ugh!

If that wasn't enough to stress me out, there is the whole man/woman thing, where men seem to want to produce a rabbit out of a hat, by themselves, while no one helps or encourages or asks questions about how they're going to do it. And although this man may think "oh, my wife will be so thrilled when it all works out" the truth is I'd rather be a part of this. A partner, a confidant, an advisor and supporter. But at times, I'm not sure what he even wants from me.

I used to pray in NYC that God would see me and make me feel seen. There is something so awful about looking down the barrel of change, rejection, or risk, and not having any idea where that ends. But if I know God's hand is on it, it feels more like a . . .road. A place with a good destination, with places to stop on the way. In NYC, I always felt like people appeared and showed those things to me. And here, I miss that.

I mean, it's better here. It may sound cheezy, but here I get to choose love every day. In NYC I chased love the way I'm chasing weight loss here. Mysteriously, it would not find me. Here it comes easily. But I still find the same feelings, when life gets tough, just wanting to be seen or heard.

My stepsister sent me something that I wrote 5 years ago--that I didn't even remember writing! But I love it.

Twenty minutes ago I was on my way home from work when a woman, easily in her 80s, with a soft “jewish” accent, said to me, “do you want to see something good?” This being New York I hesitated…but she took my arm and pointed toward a tree, “do you see that there?” and then another tree, “and that?” and a third, “and look at this one right here…Isn’t nature beautiful? Kids play here…the cars go by, and nature keeps growing…and it’s always good.”
And I smiled my way home.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Tough Week

I started the week with a visit to a specialist--my struggles to move on to something where I can get off medicine for diabetes is something that sits somewhere between physical and emotional, unfortunately, and hurts, badly. It is tough, I am really just on the border, taking low doses of drugs and not seeing high blood sugars. On the medicine I am completely in "controlled" range--but here I am, a person who used to be well, and now is sick.

THe specialist started me on a new drug (and by new, I mean approved last year) and so far that drug means headaches and slight nausea, and I feel quite unenergetic...but reading the reviews of other people, how this drug not only brought down blood sugars, but promises weight loss, I will definitely at least go through this first supply (a free sample). If headaches and nausea would move to a place where I could have a baby again, or feel good about myself, or get off of insulin for the next 20 years, sign me up.

Then today an emergency phone call from my husband came and the reminder of why it sucks to be married to the news was in. This station has him working a record number of shows, and those on his "lowest priority" show are starting to complain. So ---at previous stations, he has produced one show a week (like...the 6pm news). All of the other producers do one or two shows. And he works two shows a day three days a week, and three shows a day on the weekend. At 45 hours a week, he is already overworked. And they are telling him he's not putting enough time in to the third show. Scolding him. Using awful management tactics of ganging up on him and saying 'everyone's complaining' when he knows it's not everyone.

And then the follow-up email. The paperwork that says, "this is the news, and we're preparing that firing you will seem somehow humane, and somehow have to do with non-performance, rather than the fact you never went out drinking with us."

And there's the news. And all of our stability just went to crap. We are scrambling tonight, pulling up jobs, working on resumes, and of course he's wasting time responding to the email that I know has nothing to do with compromise or good management (this manager is pure self-serving reactionary stuff, no actual leadership). Hell, in his first month on the job he drank with the staff and took home a 21 year old from the office. Resulting in a small suspension. Blech.

So I'm mad, but hubby's madder, and so there's nothing I can do but hope he doesn't come out cursing and swinging. And that somehow we find a job that's not in the news.

In the meantime, the headache is coming on again.

Sunday, August 14, 2011


Oh jeez. I forgot about this month after the show when I always feel a little depressed. How did I forget about that? I notice there being a little bit of a depressing spin on my thoughts. I went to an award ceremony last night, where I tied as winner for "best lead actress in a musical" at a local theater for my role in Sweeney Todd, and it was wonderful. But the next day I feel this sense of sadness that I never seem to be on the "inside" of the lovefest that is the arts. It's my own fault. I come off of a show enjoying people and respecting them as artists, but I don't write "I miss you so much it hurts" on their facebook walls.

And I guess that's why, when the playful, loving, ribbing comes on, I'm not really a part of it. That's ok....except, it looks fun from the outside. I wish I knew what my "community" was. I have lots of places where I enjoy people, but no place I can't walk away from. Somehow, I guess that's my personality. But I still feel like I'm supposed to be different. Like I'm supposed to be on the inside. Or something.

So let's just talk about my new obsession. I want another baby. I'm actually kind of ready now, but I won't do it until I weigh 50 pounds less. I WILL NOT. Because it would be bad for me, bad for the baby. And yet I can't seem to lose that. I'm seeing an endocrynologist on Tuesday. And hubby is expecting a new hope, new answers. It's like the Obama election up in here....but I'm a little afraid of the "usual results". Lots of talk and little change. *sigh* I do sound depressed.

Apparently babies are like potato chips? Who knew.

So, I've got a good life, but now a reminder that it doesn't matter where I am, I am always on the outside. It's not bad....I have a ton of love. But if hubby wants to move me, I just gave him the bright green light. And hopefully in the next spot, I'll be 50 pounds thinner and getting pregnant.

And if wanting it were the same as making it happen, it would be awesome.

I want a church again. REALLY< REALLY REALLY. I miss it so much. But finding, re-committing, that all seems like a task I'm hardly up to this moment. Hubby's on the same page, but it's hardly an easy page.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Mom & Baby's Day Out

I am on major mommy burnout. It happened fast. The last week in July I was performing in a show, with plenty of help--hell, I was practically MISSING the kid! And then everyone left, and the house was quiet, and that was nice. The show was over, I had time to rest, and we are transitioning daycares....and then I realized it was just me and her. Day after day. Hubby working 50 hours a week, and me doing all of my teaching with a baby. A well behaved baby--but instead of say, resting, in the middle of teaching 9 lessons, I'm fixing noodles and juice, turning on Elmo. Cleaning up something destructive she's done to entertain herself (the kitchen floor currently has an enormous piece of crayon artwork on it, and I'm just not in the mood to get on my knees and scrub yet).

In addition, at night, after the teaching is done, I get at least a few hours of just me and the baby, cooped up in here. I'm too exhausted to go do anything, so I try to just run around doing "damage control" until her blessed hour of sleep. The weekends, when I'm generally not teaching, are worse. That's a 12 hour day with no hubby, no help, nothing but me and Baby S. No friends, no plans, just me and Baby S.

Don't get me wrong, I laugh with her, she's insanely affectionate, she wants to kiss and cuddle and play funny games, brush my hair and sing songs. With a baby, you stay in an "in love" phase for a long's like early on in dating someone where you just keep saying to yourself "ahhhh, they're wonderful, aren't they?" but there's another end to it. The part where you wish you could give her away for a day or two.

Yesterday, afraid of being stuck here, I packed her in the car and drove 30 miles (she slept the whole 30) to a local "pick your own" orchard (apples $2 a pound, and usually a fun time). I love stuff like this. The weather was hot, but not unbearable, although it seemed to get more unbearable. I bought her a "fresh apple slushie" which she would not let me have a sip of (and continued to scream at me when I tried). We walked down a path and looked at apple trees, threw stones into the creek (and then, unfortunately, accidentally threw the apple slushie into the creek). We collected apples in a basket until she wanted to be picked up (the heat getting to both of us). I said, "ok, I'll hold you, but you have to hold the basket". That lasted about 3 minutes until she said, "take it" (her new favorite phrase) and then I carried the baby and the apple basket.

After a bit, I realized I'd walked too far, and the only possible way of getting back a little more quickly was to cross the creek. So we took off our shoes and socks and I held her hand as we waded across the creek. It was the coolest part of the journey (temperature wise) and definitely her favorite, as she then made me cross it a few more times before I called it off. We were just climbing out when I heard a vehicle coming and scrambled to get out. It was a man (probably in his 80s) driving an old John Deere tractor with the name BESSIE painted on it, and a big wagon full of about 5-6 families. He said, "do you want a ride?" and we hopped on (thank God) and got to ride around for a while.

The whole thing was fun, and the kind of day I love to spend with her, but the expectation that somehow I might have exhausted her (the way I did myself) never seems to pan out. So the night was long--with lots of games and periodic destruction...and me begging her to relax, plying her with sweets, hoping for her to go to bed so I could just have some time alone.

She didn't fall asleep until 10:45, and soon after I crashed, not really letting me have any of that sweet mommy time. Today is another day of me and her (hubby is working on his day off today) but it at least means when i teach on Wednesday he'll be watching her.

I suppose the thing in my head I can't get rid of is how soon I'll want to sing again. Right now I'm too exhausted to even think about it.